My inner 21yr old is barfing.


Don’t be this guy.

I feel like I can’t say this enough.

If you are in your fifties, you have NO business dating twenty-something year olds. ZE-RO business. I know I don’t stand alone here…like, we all agree that its gross, right? Just knowing that when you were twenty-three years old she was still living in a ball sack, should be enough to steer you in a different direction. I understand the attraction. I don’t understand the relationship.

…Well, at least I didn’t. My sister recently shed some light on the issue. She told me that she has this friend, an older gentleman, who likes his women like he likes white girl cooking- unseasoned. He’s prefers the young ones because “They take better care of themselves….”

My confusion and mild case of heeby geebies turned to anger. Here’s why.

First of all, are you flippin kidding me?!

Twenty year old bodies require NO maintenance, many of them just hit puberty half a decade ago! They drink enough Malibu Rum to embed a fine island tan into their DNA year round. When you’re in you early twenties, bikini hair won’t even stick to you after it grows past 1/4″. It’s crazy! Its like the Brazilian fairy visits while you’re sleeping and gives you a good clean up, free of charge. As a woman who will be exiting my twenties soon I can assure you, I had to ACTUALLY start trying like, two years ago.  I literally lived off of jalapeno poppers and Redbull before that. I got a gym membership at twenty-three because “I was bored”. Don’t tell me that a woman in her early twenties takes care of herself. I mean sure, maybe they exfoliate more but eighteen till twenty-five is when all hell breaks loose. That’s when we eat like shit, that’s when we do drugs, that’s when we don’t go to the doctor (cause we are gonna live foooooreeeeever).

Second of all, how dare you?

Let’s talk about women who have experienced life. Having babies, getting married, getting divorced…whatever it is. Do you know what happens to your body after you elect to have a few babies cannon ball out of your vagina and into the world? All kinds of weird happens. Long gone are the days of thirteen hours of sleep, we get six….maybe. It’s usually more like four to five hours of half sleep. The kind of sleep you spend waiting for a baby to start crying, or begging your seven year old to back to bed. “I know this is a big year for you sweetie, but neither of us are gonna make it if I don’t get thirty more minutes before your brother wakes up.” Do you know what that does to you skin, all that not sleeping? It makes it puffy under the eyes and sag everywhere else. We can kiss our metabolism goodbye. We usually eat what our kids eat because we don’t have the energy to cook more than one meal. Do you know a kid that has ever requested a salad? NO! It’s corn dogs and pasta for eighteen years. These are the years we endure. These are the years we go gray. These are the years we can’t afford to cover our gray hair because we are paying for daycare/dance class/football camp. These are the years we are encouraging “guys night” so that our husbands don’t hate us. These are the years we worry, pray and discover wine (that high calorie gift from the gods).

Also, can you just acknowledge that women in and/or approaching their fifties are the shit?

My mother is in better shape than she ever has been. Wanna know why? Cause she works at it everyday; something I know she didn’t do in her twenties. She has showed me what it means to take care of my health. Not just my physical health, but also maintaining a state of well-being. Middle aged women know the importance of drinking your weight in water and eating fiber. They know how to balance a check book (twenty year old me can’t). After the kids are out of the house, these are the women who now have the time (and the know-how) to ACTUALLY take care of themselves. Sure, maybe their boobs don’t rest just below their chin anymore cause, you know, kids. Maybe gravity has done its worst…whatever. These are the women to be in awe of. They can lull a baby to sleep in .5 seconds and they can still shake up a dance floor. These are the women with their own health insurance and a standing appointment at the beauty salon. They know how many shots are too many before they get sloppy and they have a tried and true hangover cure for the morning after. Hey old guy dating little girls; you’re missing out.

Hopefully my sister’s old creepy friend doesn’t run out of whatever these youngins are into. Cause it doesn’t matter how many hours you spend at the gym “taking care of yourself”, underneath that Affliction shirt is still a fifty-something year old body and you should find a woman your own damn age that can appreciate it.

And dad, if you’re reading this, don’t you f-ing dare!



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One Response to My inner 21yr old is barfing.

  1. Cherish says:

    So true and hilarious!! Couldn’t have said it better myself.


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