Rigo cheated on me.

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I woke up this morning  PISSED OFF! Like, even before my eyes were open. As soon as my alarm sounded, I could feel the rage brewing. Why? Because I had a dream that Rigo cheated on me…..

Ladies, has this ever happened to you? You’re lying there – dreaming, minding your own damn business. Maybe you’re out with your girls, maybe you ended up in China Town ( I don’t know, I don’t know your brain) and all of a sudden, your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend- whatever-shows up (yay!).  But then boyfriend/husband/girlfriend walks right past you (uh what?) and starts making out with some flooz with visible tracks (fucking excuse me?).You do that thing where you try to run towards them but your body is moving in slo-mo. You tell you friends but they don’t give a shit because it’s girls night and they just ordered two baskets of puppy tacos and sake (or whatever you drink in China Town, maybe Mich Ultra). Then out of nowhere, all of  his buddies show up. So you start yelling at them like “He’s like this because you guys made him like this!” And they’re all like “Uh who the eff are you and where did you get those puppy tacos?”  At that point, you probably realize you are dreaming because if you’re anything like me, you’re like “Try it, guy. I know where the knives live”…. and you’re a vegetarian. So you wake up. And on one hand, you’re relieved that you were dreaming. But on the other, you’re like “How could you?!”…no… “How DARE you!?”

You start dodging stinky kisses and morning wood. You refuse the coffee they bring you because “I don’t want your whore coffee, thank you’. The kids aren’t going to have love-made packed lunch today! Maybe not tomorrow either. Boyfriend says he feels bloated and you think “Yeah, soy sauce and adultery will do that to you”. No helping with breakfast, no nothing.

But the worst part is that you can’t tell him what’s wrong. How do you explain that? “Oh sorry, I don’t mean to be shitty, but I had a bad dream” So you just grab for ANYTHING.

“It’s freezing” “Don’t kiss me without brushing you teeth” “This coffee is too dark/light/wet” “Hot lunch is fine! I know I said it was poison yesterday but today they are serving pizza” You start yelling at the dog for existing. You’re just pacing around the house because you can’t focus on your normal morning routine because you refused coffee. Boyfriend is just tip-toeing around you because he knows he did something wrong but he isn’t sure what because you literally just woke up. He’s all like “Seriously, what is your problem? All I did was bring you coffee”

Then….. Because you’re mad, he’s mad. So you’re just angrily looking for baby shoes and taking out trash. Closing cabinets harder than they need to be closed. No one is giving in and making the bed.  So finally, to make peace, you tell him. “You betrayed me during REM sleep! You cheated on me, IN CHINA TOWN, with a girl with a cheap weave…. you didn’t even tell your friends we were dating!” …and immediately regret it.

Once he can smell your insecurities, it’s game over. You can actually see his ego grow two sizes.  You’re vulnerable, YIPE. He gives you that patronizing “Awwwwww LOVE! Come here!” with arms wide…. as if you want a hug. You don’t want a hug, you want half his shit and a new apartment. You want alimony. He gives you a BILLION kisses and is all “Shut up! You’re so perfect.. I would NEVER cheat on you, especially not with a girl with a weave”. P.s. I  had a weave when we first started dating, so that claim is false. Then he grabs his gym bag, gives you one more and exits the house.

Ever happen to you?

Me neither.

Rigo only pays to cheat on me in my dreams… like, with hookers…ugh

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